Energy flows where attention goes: My ultimate metric to assess where my life is heading — Part I
One of the most important lessons I learned in my twenties was how limited my energy is. It is basically the store of raw value that we use in our interaction with the world. Being quite scarce and limited by nature, how we exploit it ends up deciding what kind of life we will be living.
At the beginning of my twenties, I wasn’t really exploiting this life energy of mine well (this is a personal assessment by the way). I was mostly following a predesigned tract (studies, work, family, etc…), with no intrinsic motivation whatsoever except continuing down this robotically inhumane path I found myself taking. This basically meant that I was putting no deliberate attention into pursuing neither my studies nor later on my career — during the first year at least. My attention was neither focused nor sharp. I was mostly distracted and lost. And this led to me missing out a lot of what life ready to offer me during those year. I was just living by and I ‘succeeded’ at that mostly because I have an innate aptitude to follow structured systems, like education…
Later on during the second half of my twenties I came to the realisation that I was living a life I hated and I was going down a path a deeply despised. Thanks to some harsh and needed wake up calls (like the burn out I had during my first job), I decided to start owning my shit and take full responsibility of what happened and will happen to me. And little by little I started understanding how my distracted and non-targeted attention (it became sharp and focused only when I found myself in deep shit that I could no longer ignore) was hurting me on deeper even spiritual levels. Hence leading me to finally make the decision to deliberately allocate my attention strategically to the topics and aspects of my life that I considered most important at some point. And the results where amazing — at least for me.
To give you an example of how this unwrapped, I want to tell you a bit of details about my relationship my movement and sports.
When my burn out became life threatening (my body collapsed and I started getting regular and frequent asthma and panic attacks) and could no longer ignore the situation. The first thing I did was to look for a new job and resign the one that led to my burn-out (It was my responsibility by the way that I got myself to that state of misery). Once the situation was no longer threatening and my mind understood that it is no longer about survival rather about rebuilding myself, I found myself getting back to sports bit by bit as a way to alleviate the lingering physical damages of the burn-out.
Within a couple of months I started getting back into shape and the frequency of my asthma attacks also decreased considerably (it took me one year to get over that and still get them every now and then when I play with fire and get close to my limit). It was at this point that I decided for the first time to invest more attention into my health in general and movement in particular. I started obsessing about it. I started consuming more content about these topics, which led me to experiment further with my diet and sport practices. Long story short, my life energy was flowing generously into this aspect of my life that I started to enjoy, appreciate and become more and more grateful for.
Starting from that year, my progress gained more and more momentum. And now I got to a point that I never imagined would be possible to get to: I can do flips, calisthenics, martial arts, climbing, strange yoga poses, etc… and most importantly I feel that I am paying tribute to my body and unleashing its potential despite the aging process that I am sure will bring me new elements to learn more about myself and the world through it.
I wanted to share my journey with sports to show how putting deliberate attention and focus into that aspect of my life, channeled my life energy into helping to build a solid functional and capable body. A body I am grateful for and will be grateful till the my last breath. A body that I was ignoring and mistreating during 25 years of my life because I wasn’t putting enough attention to it and through that allocation more energy to unleash its potential. Remember what I said about my early 20ties and how my life energy was honestly wasted on stupid shit I didn’t care much about.
Now back to the current days. I recently made the realisation that there are other aspects in my life that I was totally and shamefully ignoring. The most important one that I decided to put more and more attention on are emotions and human relationships. There are objective and subjective reasons why it took me this long to come to this realisation. That being said, it is my full responsibility were I am right now and even more importantly where I am heading from here forwards.
Initially when I started writing this blog post, I intended to focus on this topic, but now I see that I’ve already written too much about the health and movement one and not as much about emotions and relationships. So I will writing about this in the next post. But before closing this one, I want to conclude it on this note:
For me personally, I came to the conclusion that life is worthless and fucking sad if you live it alone. You can have the perfect body, a perfect health, unlimited wealth, social status, etc… but without people with whom you can share this on a deep emotional and even spiritual level, all of this is as good as a fart in the wind (It looks like this by the way💨, haha). And this is the topic that I am mostly focused on and attentive to these days. I am looking forward to what it will bring to me with it, despite the lingering fear that I still have of it (yes I used to fear emotions and human connections a lot, and still do to some extent but I am owning my shit and facing it… Fuck I didn’t want to admit this but here I am…)